I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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