That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
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Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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