Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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