I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
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You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
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You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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