new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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