I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
