Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
a search helicopter?!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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