no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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