yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
