got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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