saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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