I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
my poor anus
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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