I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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