I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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