I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
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I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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