I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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