Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
