I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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