it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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