I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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