wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
