I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
