She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
