My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
