I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
