Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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