i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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