Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
