I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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