I have demons in me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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