p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
That accounts for only three of the penises
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
