smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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