4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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