Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
