Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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