wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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