I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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