Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
