If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
