How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
