My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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