I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Randomize
