The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can you bring me the toilet please
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize