I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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