No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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