listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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