life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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