I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
