You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
