she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
