Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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