That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
