I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
