Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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