You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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