Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
