he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Barsexuality is the new black.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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