Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you would pick up someone in the library
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
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don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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