the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
