I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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