I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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